Auditions

Grandpa Vanderhof lives “just around the corner from Columbia University – but don’t go looking for it.” Grandpa is the paterfamilias of an extended, loving and eccentric family which includes a daughter who fancies herself a romance novelist; her husband, an amateur fireworks expert; a xylophone player/leftist leaflet printer; an untalented ballerina; a couple on relief; and a ballet master exiled from Soviet Russia. When Grandpa’s granddaughter Alice, an attractive and loving girl who is still embarrassed by her family’s eccentricities, falls for her boss, Tony, a handsome scion of Wall Street, she fears that their two families – so unlike in manner, politics, and finances – will never come together. And that’s when the fireworks begin…

During a disastrous dinner party, Alice’s worst fears are confirmed. Her prospective in-laws are humiliated in a party game and the house is raided by the FBI. Frustrated and upset, Alice intends to run away to the country, until Grandpa and Co. – playing the role of Cupid – manage not only to bring the happy couple together, but to set Tony’s father straight about the true priorities in life.  After all, why be obsessed by money? You can’t take it with you…

Character breakdown:

(Age indications refer to the intended appearance of an actor in a role, not the age of the actor)
Click here for a printable PDF

PENNY SYCAMORE (F, 40s-50s) Daughter of Martin, wife of Paul, mother of Alice and Essie. A free
spirit, who has a maternal quality to the extent that she wants to make sure people are taken care of, but is primarily devoted to her own artistic expression, which includes, plays, paintings, and anything else for which the materials show up on her doorstep.

ESSIE (F, 18-29) Daughter of Penny, younger sister of Alice, wife of Ed. Her form of self-expression is
ballet, which she inserts into nearly every interaction. Wears tutu and ballet slippers almost constantly.

RHEBA (F, 20s-50s) Romantically linked to Donald. Family domestic, chiefly cooking, washing, and
general moral support of all the creative activities. Cheerful and sometimes a little bashful.

PAUL SYCAMORE (M, 40s-50s) Husband of Penny, father of Alice and Essie. He expresses himself
through designing fireworks, of which he sells just enough to buy materials to make more fireworks.
Usually working in close collaboration with Mr. DePinna.

MR DE PINNA (M, 40s-60s) Former postman, now the perpetual companion and collaborator of Paul.
Not only does he contribute ideas to Paul, at one point he agrees to serve as a model for a painting by
Penny.

ED (M, 18-29) MUST PLAY XYLOPHONE AND/OR VIBRAPHONE. Candidates for this role will
need to provide a video of themselves playing a mallet instrument. Husband of Essie, expressing
himself with his music, and his printing press, which he uses to print random text, including political
slogans he doesn’t understand.

DONALD (M, 20s-50s) Romantically linked to Rheba. Donald does not live with the Vanderhofs, but
spends all day there to be near Rheba and help her. Lives on government assistance and doesn’t try to hide it. He considers observing the Vanderhofs as good as a graduate course in human psychology.

MARTIN VANDERHOF (M, 60s+) Father of Penny, grandfather of Alice and Essie, and called
“Grandpa” by most of the household. Former Wall Street trader who gave it up to live the way he
wanted to, and encourages others to do the same. Kind, well-mannered, dapper in a shabby way and not above pulling the leg of the “straight” world.

ALICE (F, 20s) Daughter of Penny and Paul, romantically linked to Tony. An inexplicably “normal”
person, like Marilyn Munster, who enjoys and encourages the eccentricity around her, but has no
impulse to be creative, but only to find happiness with Tony, of course. Charming and sweet, there is
some quality about her that enchants and beguiles nearly everyone she meets.

HENDERSON (M, 20s-50s) Sour, charmless IRS functionary, sent to collect income tax from Grandpa, thinking he is dignified and intelligent, when he is actually a stooge, who will flee the house in hysterics.

TONY KIRBY (M,20s) Romantically linked to Alice. Attractive, charming, humble, ingratiating. Every
mother’s dream son-in-law. Raised in a rich family, but has not let that be a handicap.

KOLENKHOV (M or F, 40s+) Ballet teacher for Essie. Is willing to accept the money they need to
ignore the fact that their student has no talent. Refugee from the Bolshevik takeover of Russia. Thinks
they are subtle and clever, but actually low and boisterous. Has a huge baton they beat on the floor to
keep time, or give emphasis. Full of unsolicited advice.

GAY WELLINGTON (F, 30+) Actress Penny brought home to have her read one of Penny’s plays. As
she is perpetually inebriated, she promptly passes out on the chaise lounge.

MR. KIRBY (M, 50+), father of Tony, husband to Mrs. Kirby. Partner in a Wall Street trading firm,
who has abandoned the artistic pursuits of his youth in favor of business success, and lives for the
expectation that Tony will join him in the firm.

MRS. KIRBY (F, 50), mother of Tony, wife of Mr. Kirby. Snooty society type.

3 G-MEN (M, various ages) Three FBI men, a supervisor, and two field men. They arrive to investigate
Ed because of the strange political slogans he has been printing, but then stumble on the cache of
fireworks in the basement, and try to handle the ensuing chaos. Two of them should be able to pick up an adult woman in a fireman’s carry.

GRAND DUCHESS OLGA (F, 40+) friend of Kolenkhov, also a refugee from the Bolshevik
Revolution. Although an aristocrat, she is warm, down-to-earth, eager for everyone to enjoy the
blintzes she loves to make.